Crow Creek High Dazed and Confuzzled WS
by Gree'hah Savijay- Fantabuloso
Summary: The Crow Creek kids go to a concert!


_**Episode Idea**_

"**Dazed and Confuzzled"**

**Written by Greigh Savage**

Scene One: Setting- Sidewalk Bar on Main Street, Spring; Time of Day- Noon on a Friday; Characters involved- Huck Hammerstein, Stevie Buscemmeburger, Eugene Cunningham, Shim Bridgers, Sue-Z Sombrero, and Alicia Felicia.

_**Huck Hammerstein, Stevie Buscemmeburger, Eugene Cunningham, and Shim Bridgers**__ are enjoying an afternoon at their favorite bar that doesn't double check I.D.s._

**-Eugene Cunningham-**

(To Huck.) Man, I must give you some props for talking me into sneaking in here with those I.D.s. Skipping Friday at school, enjoying brain-cell-massacring alcohol, I enjoy these day trips, gentlemen.

**-Huck Hammerstein-**

Bless the sweet lord we look so much like our fathers'.

_A quick flash of the I.D.s, then back to the four guys, who break the fourth wall and say 'Thanks, Dad' to the reader._

**-Stevie Buscemmeburger-**

(To Shim. Questioning, but jokingly.) Whoa, whoa, man. You got a Patron? Dude, that stuff is going to kill you.

**-Shim Bridgers-**

Oh, please. What's going to happen? (Takes a swig. Becomes sober. Screams.) AHHHHHHHHH! (Throws the bottle across the street, hits a random pedestrian, he dissolves and flows into a flood drain, Shim complains as this is happening) I can't breath! I can't fucking breathe! (Swallows, grunts.) Okay, I'm good.

**-Huck Hammerstein-**

(Shrugs.) That guy ain't.

_Suddenly, the very sluttishly dressed __**Sue-Z Sombrero and Alicia Felicia**__, come up behind them, __**Sue-Z**__ screaming, __**Alicia**__, not as enthusiastic. In fact, __**Sue-Z**__ kind of weirds her out._

**-Sue-Z Sombrero-**

I got tickets, bitches! I am fucking golden! (To Alicia) Isn't it amazing? (Alicia does a faked 'giddy' motion. Sue-Z turns to Huck, holding tickets up to his face bouncing with excitement.) Look! Look!

**-Huck Hammerstein-**

(Flustered.) Baby, I'm afraid I can't. You're shaking too much.

**-Eugene Cunningham-**

Yeah, and how did you get in here? You need an I.D.

**-Sue-Z Sombrero-**

Please, who needs an I.D. when you got these? (Reveals cleavage.) Look. (Shakes them.) I, and D.

**-Shim Bridgers-**

How'd Alicia get in?

**-Alicia Felicia-**

(Embarrassed, shakes boobs.) I used an I.D.

**-Sue-Z Sombrero-**

(Annoyed.) Whatever. Who cares about tits? (Men gasp.) Fuck you guys. Anyway, about the tickets. I got us tickets to the indie/funk/blues/folk/psychedelic/punk/boy-band/dance/electronica/jazz/pop/country/rap/hip-hop/R&B/emo/goth/rock/satanic concert in Sea Gull Springs. (Excited scream.)

**-Huck Hammerstein-**

(Amazed and flustered.) Oh my God! How'd you get the ticks!

**-Sue-Z Sombrero-**

(Not even caring.) I gave some guy a "flying V." (Huck is horrified, Sue-Z keeps talking, more quickly, ready to leave.) It happens tonight only. If we get everybody together real fast and speed through traffic, we'll be there earlier enough to wait for the concert to start. So c'mon, let's go.

_**Eugene, Alicia, Shim, and Stevie**__ get up and hurry along excitedly._

**-Eugene Cunningham-**

(As they are walking away, To Alicia. Sensual.) Hey...

**-Alicia Felicia-**

(Same.) Hey...

_**Sue-Z**__ attempts to walk away with the rest of the group, but is stopped by Huck._

**-Huck Hammerstein-**

What the hell! You did it with another dude!

**-Sue-Z Sombrero-**

No, just a "flying V," and hey, I got the tickets!

**-Huck Hammerstein-**

"Just a flying V?" That's like (pauses, counts on his fingers) fifth and a half base!

**-Sue-Z Sombrero-**

(Sighs. Holds Huck in her arms.) Now, Huck, you know I would never fuck another guy but you. (Kisses him passionately.) You're my little quarterback. (Licking his lips, then stops, pokes him in the chest.) But goddamnit, I'm going to see this show, cause I seriously dig the guitarist. (Starts to leave, stops, turns around, gets in his face; quiet, bitchy, and angry.) And, by the way, lover, that "flying V" felt amazing... (Kisses him again, and walks away, smiling.) Bye Huck. Love ya...

_**Huck**__ just stands there, frozen. Meanwhile up the road..._

**-Shim Bridgers-**

Dude, I hate how bands try to cross audiences just to seem like they're reinventing themselves.

**-Stevie Buscemmeburger-**

You just hate everything, don't you, Shim?

**-Shim Bridgers-**

Not everything. Just things that are different.

**-Eugene Cunningham-**

That's cause you're racist.

**-Shim Bridgers-**

Dude! I'm not racist! Why do guys always insist I'm a racist? Fuck!

_**Eugene and Stevie**__ turns and blocks his way._

**-Stevie Buscemmeburger-**

You have a rebel flag and a KKK mask in your bedroom closet.

**-Shim Bridgers-**

(Obviously lying and laughing to cover it up.) C'mon, dude. (Unenthusiastic and nervous.) That's not a clan mask; it's my party hat! (Stevie and Eugene stare, he murmurs.) I live with my grandpa, he was born in the dirty south in the '30s, give me a break. I'm not racist, though... (Slurs speech.) I love black people...

**-Eugene Cunningham-**

Sure...

_**Sue-Z**__ catches up with them. She puts on red lipstick while looking in a side mirror of a van parked near them._

**-Sue-Z Sombrero-**

Come on, everybody, we need to requisition a vehicle if we want to get to the show.

_She picks up a rock and feels it in her hand. Then she breaks open the driver's side window and slides through the small hole, her beautiful ass stuck in the window, distracting the guys._

**-Sue-Z Sombrero-**

Stop undressing my butt with your eyes and push me through the window so I can hotwire this fucking thing.

_They_ _stop undressing her butt with their eyes and push her through the window so she can hotwire the fucking thing. The car starts and everyone gets in. As __**Sue-Z**__ starts to drive away, __**Huck**__ runs after the van, grabbing at the back window-washer as she starts to speed away. As they continue to drive, they pick up Dandy, Jimmy, Danny, and Sonya. End of Scene One._

Scene Two: Setting- Stolen Van Interior; Time of Day- About 2; Characters involved- Huck Hammerstein, Stevie Buscemmeburger, Sue-Z Sombrero, Alicia Felicia, Eugene Cunningham, Shim Bridgers, Sonya the Goth Chick, Dandy Dandelion, Danny Dandelion, and Jimmy Shag.

_Inside of the stolen van: __**Sue-Z**__ is driving, __**Huck**__ is in the passenger seat, sleeping, __**Stevie, Shim, and Danny**__ are in the middle row, __**Alicia, Eugene, and Sonya**__ are in the backseat, and __**Dandy and Jimmy**__ are in the tailgate area._

**-Danny Dandelion-**

(Gaily excited reading from a Cosmo Girl.) My God! I've been waiting for this concert forever!

**-Stevie Buscemmeburger-**

Totally. Hey, Danny, my gay friend, you know Shim is a racist, right?

**-Danny Dandelion-**

(Looks up, speaks calm and knowingly.) Yeah, what fucker doesn't know that? (Turns back to his book.) He's also homophobic...

**-Shim Bridgers-**

(Fed up.) Guys, c'mon. I'm neither.

**-Eugene Cunningham-**

(Sober, from the back of the van.) Really? So you're completely comfortable with black people and gays?

**-Shim Bridgers-**

(Nervous and worried.) Yeah?

**-Eugene Cunningham and Stevie Buscemmeburger-**

(Together.) Kiss Danny, then.

_Everyone in the van looks back at the pair, including __**Sue-Z**__ as she is driving._

**-Eugene Cunningham-**

-Yeah, he's black AND gay...

**-Shim Bridgers-**

(Terrified.) What!

**-Stevie Buscemmeburger-**

(Sober.) I'll give you two hundred dollars to do it...

**-Sue-Z Sombrero-**

(Wanting) I'll add a hundred.

**-Alicia Felicia-**

(Excited.) I'll add three!

**-Eugene Cunningham-**

(Laughing.) Ah, fuck it. Add on four more hundreds.

**-Stevie Buscemmeburger-**

C'mon Shim, that's 1k. 1k to passionately make out with a flaming gay, black man, and proving that you're not a racist slash homophobe.

_**Danny**__ puts on lipstick as __**Shim**__ slowly turns, crying silently. As they continue to advance toward each other, the crowd in the van gazes impatiently, pulling out popcorn and sipping on soft drinks, even as the van slowly starts to get out of control. Then, when their lips are barely millimeters apart, __**Shim**__ finally comes to his senses and shoves __**Danny **__away. The other people in the van go back to what they were doing._

**-Eugene Cunningham-**

Rip-off. Hey, Danny, by the way, what's in your bag?

**-Danny Dandelion-**

(Defensive, hiding something.) None of your business!

_After a brief, uncomfortable period of silence, __**Alicia**__ tries to break it._

**-Alicia Felicia-**

(Nervously asking.) So, uh, Sonya, are you excited for the concert?

**-Sonya the Goth Chick-**

(Warming up to the idea of the concert. Wow, she's actually smiling.) Well, yeah...

**-Alicia Felicia-**

Really? Wow, you usually hate getting together with us and doing stuff like this. What are you gonna do when we get there?

**-Sonya the Goth Chick-**

(Completely serious.) Well, I was hoping to fill my veins with hard drugs while simultaneously pummeling my various orifices with male and female sex organs. After that, I would be satisfied for several more moons. (Looks straight into Alicia's eyes with the utmost seriousness, Alicia shrinks back to her seat, reaches back and finds a beer and takes a huge swig of it. Sonya keeps talking.) I brought the drugs by the way, in case anyone of you WONDERFUL people wants to say 'thank you.'

**-Jimmy Shag-**

(Woozy.) Is that what's in those needles I'm sitting on?

_Dandy screams and pulls Jimmy off of the needles, and nurtures him in her arms._

**-Jimmy Shag-**

(Bargaining with God.) Are you there? Can you see me from your big vantage point in the sky? Why must you do this to me?

**-Sonya the Goth Chick-**

(Sighs, barely caring anyway.) Those needles aren't the ones with drugs in them. Those are oils for keeping my skin pale and ghostly. The druggy ones are under YOUR ass, Mrs. Petunia...

_Dandy jams forward, realizing she can't really fell herself from the waist down._

**-Dandy Dandelion-**

(Terrified.) Jesus no! I can't feel my legs!

**-Sonya the Goth Chick-**

Duh. That's about seventy-five pounds of slow-acting tranquilizers for blue whales. (Teaching to no one.) The heavy metals in it give it a slight feeling of weightlessness, while the fluids and pastes leave the user in a thick, sex-fueled euphoria that can cause heart attacks if your family has a history of them. (Looking at Eugene with a sexual tendency.) Feels amazing when you inject it into your genitals. (Looks back at Dandelion as she rolls over and pulls up her skirt to truly reveal how much she had been stabbed.) Yep. You're going to be high for seven weeks.

**-Dandy Dandelion-**

This is horrible!

**-Sonya the Goth Chick-**

You bet your blue whale tranquilizer-injected ass it is. You used up all my drugs!

_**Alicia and Eugene**__ are clearly weirded out, and compose themselves by listening to some music and sharing a single pair of headphones, they both seem to really enjoy each other's company, and snuggle up to one another. The page pans to Huck, who is sleeping soundly. As "Dream On" by Aerosmith begins to play, we enter his dream. It starts out with static, with occasional break-ins of Sue-Z's face contorted in orgasm while she moans and coos, "Flying V..." and "I dig the guitarist..." while shadow people in the background are locked in sexual poses, including the dreaded "flying V." Then, a fat, slobbery man with a beat-up guitar is seen, drooling and stupid. Sue-Z in a blue bikini and thigh-high boots, walks up to him and starts kissing him, engulfing herself in the blubbering oaf's slime. She looks at the reader and says, "Yeah, Huck. I'm going to do him over and over again. And when he finishes, I'm going to lick it all up. And after I do, I hope you'll get to see it on Youtube someday." She gets on her knees and unzips his pants, moaning and wanting. A close-up on her face as she says sensually "Wow, he's much bigger than you'll even be..." before we see her face "go down" out of frame. The dreamscape is replaced by Huck, suddenly waking and screaming. After composing, he stares at Sue-Z unbothered at his scream as she focuses on driving._

**-Sue-Z Sombrero-**

Jeez, have a nice sleep?

**-Huck Hammerstein-**

(Still reeling from the experience.) No...

**-Sue-Z Sombrero-**

Don't worry, you'll forget about it after the concert, 'cause we're here!

_Everyone screams with excitement, while Huck just plain screams..._

**-Huck Hammerstein-**

!

_End of Scene Two._

Scene Three: Setting- A big field with a big stage in the back of it; Time of Day- about 8; Characters involved- Huck Hammerstein, Sue-Z Sombrero, Stevie Buscemmeburger, Eugene Cunningham, Alicia Felicia, Shim Bridgers, Dandy Dandelion, Jimmy Shag, Sonya the Goth Chick, Snapdragon, Mysterious Black Girl, The Guitarist, The Drummer, Microphone Announcer Guy, and Danny Dandelion.

_As they get out of the car, Danny Dandelion runs off to a Port-o-John._

**-Danny Dandelion-**

I'll be right back, y'all, I got to use this...

_When he is almost there, he drops his man-bag, and what seems like an orange mophead falls out._

**-Eugene Cunningham-**

What the fuck is that?

**-Danny Dandelion-**

(Defensive.) None of your business! Quit asking about my bag!

_He stuffs the thing in his bag and locks himself in the bathroom._

**-Eugene Cunningham-**

Weirdo. Hey! The opening act is on! Let's tell them how much they suck!

_**Eugene**__ grabs __**Alicia, **__smiling__**,**__ by the hand and walks off toward the stage with __**Shim, Sonya, and Sue-Z**__. __**Stevie**__ tries to go with them but is stopped by __**Huck**__._

**-Huck Hammerstein-**

Dude! You have to help me! Sue-Z's going to fuck the guitarist! We need to stop her!

**-Stevie Buscemmeburger-**

We? You mean you, right? Cause I want to yell at the opening act with them...

_**Huck**__ picks him up and slams him against the side of the van. __**Shim,**__ coming back to get something, see this and goes around to the other side._

**-Huck Hammerstein-**

Listen to me you little shitfuck! That's the hottest piece of ass I've ever had in my life, and I'll do anything to defend it! (Softens his grip and lets him go while he sits down on the curb.) I... I love her, man... (Starts to sob.)

**-Stevie Buscemmeburger-**

(Annoyed.) Please, please stop? Stop crying, man. Please? Stop. (Fed up.) Fine, goddamnit, if it'll make you stop crying like a bitch, I'll help keep her from f-ing the guitarist...

**-Huck Hammerstein-**

I love you, man!

_**Huck**__ gets up and hugs him, still crying. __**Stevie**__ shoves him off, and they walk away. __**Shim**__, returning from the other side, walks off with a six-pack of some alcoholic beverage. At this moment, __**Jimmy Shag and Dandy Dandelion**__ are finally able to get the tailgate open, and roll out of the trunk, battered._

**-Dandy Dandelion-**

(HIGH, I MEAN LIKE HIGH, HIGH, WITH SOME HIGH ON THE SIDE, SERVED HIGH-SIDE UP, WITH A THICK ASS COATING OF RED, HOT, AMERICAN FUCKING HIGH!) Wow, Francis Bucklebottom, I didn't know your Jimmy cracked corn. I guess since you're royalty, they give you a discount for your fluffy pantaloons...

**-Jimmy Shag-**

Oh no, the drugs are starting to take effect.

**-Dandy Dandelion-**

YOU'RE starting to take effect!

**-Jimmy Shag-**

(Picking her up, carrying her to the crowd in front of the stage.) Okay, Francis Bucklebottom's taking you on a day trip somewhere.

_Meanwhile, in the pulsing crowd..._

**-Eugene Cunningham-**

(Talking to Shim while grinding with Alicia.) Okay, you don't want us calling you a racist anymore, right?

**-Shim Bridgers-**

(Still holding the beverages.) Yeah! Cause it's not true!

**-Eugene Cunningham-**

Okay, see that black girl over there?

**-Shim Bridgers-**

(Kind of scared.) Yeah?

**-Eugene Cunningham-**

Go up to her, slap her ass, and try to dance with her...

**-Shim Bridgers-**

(Horrified.) Oh God... (Fed up, handing him the alcohol.) Fine...

_**Shim**__ walks over; slowly inching his way over to this __**black girl with an orange mophead haircut and a lime green bra with no shirt, short blue shorts with a green thong sticking out.**__ We cannot see her face, only her red lipstick is visible. Shim gets to within arms reach and holds his arm out, almost touching her ass. Then, with vigor, he smacks that thang! The girl, obviously realizing someone wanted to speak with her, turns around; we still do not see her face._

**-Mysterious Black Girl-**

Uh, yes?

**-Shim Bridgers-**

(Caucasian overload.) Hi, there! I just wanted to say, you have THE most rounded, perfect buttocks and that they go great with your titillating breasts. And I was wondering, madam, would you care to dance with me?

**-Mysterious Black Girl-**

(Sensually.) Well, actually, I would love to dance with-

_Suddenly, a __**large gangbanger dude**__ walks up to him poking him in the chest._

**-Snapdragon-**

WHATCHU TALKIN' TO SNAPDRAGON'S BITCH FOR, CRACKER? YOU WANNA BEEF, MOTHAFUCKA? MOTHAFUCKA WANNA GO?

_**Shim**__ screams as the large __**Snapdragon**__ rushes toward him, silencing after the big man shanks him in the stomach and takes his __**girl**__ with him._

**-Mysterious Black Girl-**

(Calling back.) Sorry, little cracker! He's like this sometimes!

_**Shim**__ reaches for __**Eugene and Alicia**__ and asks for help as they just watch in awe at the sudden turn of events. But as they come toward him, __**Snapdragon's friends**__ come and kick the shit out of __**Shim**__._

**-Alicia Felicia-**

Well, we can't help him now.

**-Eugene Cunningham-**

Got that right. Want to grind some more?

**-Alicia Felicia-**

Not really, I mean, it's nice to do the one dance that cockblocking adults and school principals think that teens do, but I need to talk to you about something...

**-Eugene Cunningham-**

They do think that, don't they? But anyway, go ahead, what do you want to say?

**-Alicia Felicia-**

(A teenage romance song comes on, they start to slow dance.) Well, it's just that, since you've came here from out of state-

**-Eugene Cunningham-**

Which state are we in now?

**-Alicia Felicia-**

I don't know, the writer's don't really care about that, but that's not important. It's just, since you've been here, I've been totally crushing on you.

**-Eugene Cunningham-**

Really? Cause I've been crushing on you, too.

**-Alicia Felicia-**

(Pauses.) Wow. This really isn't as articulate as romance movies make it, isn't it.

**-Eugene Cunningham-**

(Breaks from the slow dance, goes on a rant, waving a bottle from the six-pack.) Exactly, what the fuck do romance writers think of when they right that crap, do they really think we talk this way? I mean, they really think people with brains years behind full comprehension of life and thought development can really contemplate all the shit that makes women in their late thirties orgasm over?

**-Alicia Felicia-**

Totally!

**-Eugene Cunningham-**

Yeah!

**-Alicia Felicia-**

Fuck those rich Hollywood fuckers!

_They suddenly embrace and passionately deep kiss each other as they slowly move away, out of the crowd. __**Huck and Stevie**__ move toward the crowd, they think there search is fruitless as the __**microphone announcer guy**__ introduces the band._

**-Microphone Announcer Guy-**

And now, please welcome to the stage, the new indie/funk/blues/folk/psychedelic/punk/boy-band/dance/electronica/jazz/pop/country/rap/hip-hop/R&B/emo/Goth/rock/satanic band from Sea Gull Springs, **The Mad Lunch**!

_The band, which is actually just two guys, walks out onstage, one picks up a guitar and one get on the drums. Both of them are obviously in their forties but dress as if they are in their early twenties. The drummers introduce themselves in a British accent._

**-The Drummer-**

(Bored.) Hello (cheer), we are the Mad Lunch (cheer), and we're better than you. (Long pause, then cheer.)

_The guitarist does a ripping opening lick. __**Huck and Stevie**__ finally sees __**Sue-Z**__, in the front row._

**-Huck Hammerstein-**

I see her! She's down in the front row.

**-Stevie Buscemmeburger-**

I don't know, man. There's like, three mosh pits on the way there. I think if Sue-Z wanted to bang the guitarist, I don't think we'd be able to get there in time to stop it.

**-Huck Hammerstein-**

I don't need you're opinion!

_He continues on through the crowd._

**-Stevie Buscemmeburger-**

Opinion! THAT'S FACT, MOTHERFUCKER!

_He follows him. Meanwhile, in the back of the crowd, Sonya is part of an orgy on top of herself, where only her head is seen. Below that, it's only a writhing mass of naked flesh._

**-Sonya the Goth Chick-**

(Bored.) This bores me. (Smacking a girl with green hair in the orgy on top of her, who happens to be sucking on her tit.) Tina, will you please act like you know what you're doing? (Tina answers, "Yes, Miss Sonya," and goes back to sucking her tit.) If I had my drugs, this would feel better...

_Meanwhile, onstage..._

**-The Drummer and The Guitarist-**

(Singing an electronic jungle type of jam. To Sue-Z.) Hey, girl, down in front. Hey, girl, down in front. (Pitch goes higher.) How'd you like to lick my balls?

_**Sue-Z**__ freaks out as the __**Guitarist**__ invites her onstage to help with the song, which involves her playing the guitar with her tongue, on her knees in a way that looks like "head." The band and crowd stops after __**Sue-Z**__ plays basically plays the Stairway to Heaven with her tongue, and __**the guitarist**__ has to pull the guitar away. Away inspecting it, all the strings burst. __**Sue-Z**__ smiles cutely and innocently at __**the Guitarist**__ as he says..._

**-The Guitarist-**

Well, um, looks like the show's over. (The crowd, disappointed, moves out. To Sue-Z.) You, you should come with me. You got the talent I need.

**-The Drummer-**

What?

**-The Guitarist-**

(Guiding Sue-Z to the tour bus.) You're fired...

_**Huck and Stevie**__, bruised and battered, finally reach the stage, just to see __**Sue-Z**__ start for the tour bus with the Guitarist._

**-Huck Hammerstein-**

There! Get her!

_They close the door behind them, and __**Huck**__ is left outside the bus with __**Stevie**__, exhausted and tired._

**-Huck Hammerstein-**

(Drops to the ground beside the door of the bus.) Damn! It's locked. (Realizing how much of beating he's taken from chasing her.) Wow, dude. I want to save my girlfriend from that British creep, but I feel so beat.

_Just then, they hear __**the guitarist **__moan loudly as the bus starts to shake._

**-Huck Hammerstein-**

(With newfound motivation, trying to open the door.) NOOOOOOOOO!

**-Stevie Buscemmeburger-**

(Pulling him away from the door.) Dude! It's already happening, the best thing to do is just leave her here!

**-Huck Hammerstein-**

No it's not! I swear to Christ we'll find a way to break into this damn bus!

_End of Scene Three._

Scene Four: Setting- Outside the tour bus, Inside the tour bus, Stolen van interior, The side of the road, And in the field where the concert was playing; Time of Day- between 9 and 10; Characters involved- Huck Hammerstein, Stevie Buscemmeburger, Sue-Z Sombrero, Eugene Cunningham, Alicia Felicia, Dandy Dandelion, Jimmy Shag, Sonya the Goth Chick, the Guitarist, Mysterious Black Girl, Danny Dandelion, Snapdragon, Tina, and Shim Bridgers.

_In the middle of the abandoned field where the concert was playing, __**Shim**__ crawls along the ground, holding in his innards as he tries to find some help._

**-Shim Bridgers-**

Why doesn't anyone help me? Please? Someone call the ambulance, the police, the marines? I need some medical assistance.

_He soon crawls up to __**Sonya the Goth Chick**__'s orgy, now even bigger. He crawls around until finally finding __**Sonya**__, reading from a horror novel, and trying to pretend to enjoy the over-flowing amount of sex she is receiving._

**-Shim Bridgers-**

Sonya... Sonya... (She finally looks up.) Sonya, I got stabbed, can you please call a doctor. You're the only person that hasn't kicked me.

**-Sonya the Goth Chick-**

(Getting back to her book.) Well, I _**could**_ perform an incantation... if you would be a slave for me...

**-Shim Bridgers-**

Anything, just don't make me suffer any longer...

_She mumbles something under her breath as the wound magically fixes itself._

**-Shim Bridgers-**

Wow, thanks. I'm gonna leave, now-

**-Sonya the Goth Chick-**

(Grabbing him by the neck of the shirt.) Just remember, I own you now, bitch. (Her forked tongue slithers over his face. She slaps his cheek.) Now go. (Shim leaves, terrified. After a few more seconds of reading, she slams her book on the ground, angrily.) Tina! (Tina slithers through the throng, pausing from time to time to enjoy the pounding she's getting, while rubbing her jaw to get the feeling back into it.)

**-Tina-**

(Scared of Sonya.) I'm doing the best I can, Miss Sonya, but your vag is made of steel! I mean, I can't get a pulse or feeling from it or anything! (Sonya grabs her neck and pulls her in close to her face.) No! Please don't kill me, Miss Sonya!

**-Sonya the Goth Chick-**

(Calmly.) Do you have any of those blue whale tranquilizers that you gave me last week?

**-Tina-**

(Still horrified of what Sonya might do to her.) Um, I used them so the sex would feel better...

**-Sonya the Goth Chick-**

(Still calm still holding Tina's neck.) Sigh. It's okay, Tina. (Tina sighs with relief, then, when she thinks she'll get away, Sonya breaks her neck with the hand holding it. She leaves the dying body next to her for a few seconds, still moving with the writhing crowd, until she tires of it, summoning a demon that carries the naked girl off to hell on a demon horse. Then she goes back to her horror novel.)

_Meanwhile, the page pans over to __**Jimmy Shag and Dandy Dandelion**__ in the partially empty parking lot. __**Dandy**__ rolling around in the open street, high out of her mind, __**Jimmy**__, tired from carrying her, sleeping on the side of the road. The camera pans to the now closed tailgate of the stolen van, and goes inside. Inside, under a blanket in the middle of the van, __**Eugene and Alicia**__ are rumbling around naked._

**-Eugene Cunningham-**

(Rolling on top.) Okay, you ready for this?

**-Alicia Felicia-**

You bet I am.

**-Eugene Cunningham-**

I guarantee it'll be awesome. (Taking a swig from a bottle from the six-pack, then spits it out, looks at the bottle, it's Patron.) Goddamnit, Shim and your fucking Patron. (Puts bottle away.) Sorry about that.

**-Alicia Felicia-**

It's okay.

_They start to do it, moaning with ecstasy as they fuck. They shift positions several times. But before they can finish, the driver's side door is swung open. They hide behind the seat, not making a sound. Meanwhile, __**Snapdragon and the Mysterious Black Girl**__ get in, making out the entire time, and start the car. When they feel safe; Eugene and Alicia peek out from the seat._

**-Snapdragon-**

(Breaking the kiss.) Did you check dat fool ass cracker try to dance witchu? He shoulda know you my bitch, bitch!

**-Mysterious Black Girl-**

(Regretful.) I hope he got out of there okay. Your crew pretty much fucked him up.

**-Snapdragon-**

Shee-it. (Rounding a corner.) You always so nice to mothafuckas...

**-Mysterious Black Girl-**

("In the Mood.") Whatever, Snapdragon, where we going to, anyway?

**-Snapdragon-**

One of them sleazy hotels up in Crow Creek. (Dandy is seen through the windshield.) That shithole town's full of them. (Dandy collides with the car at the dash, rolling onto the hood midway through his speech.) Snapdragon bets they even got- FUCK! DAMN BITCH GET OFF MY HOOD! (She slides off.) Damn mothafuckas everywhere...

**-Mysterious Black Girl-**

That girl looked familiar...

_**Eugene and Alicia**__ silently freak out, realizing it was __**Dandy**__. Meanwhile, on the scene, __**Jimmy**__ rushes over to __**Dandy**__._

**-Jimmy Shag-**

(Rushing over.) Dandy, no!

**-Dandy Dandelion-**

(Sober and painless, her body is bruised and broken, misshapen from the accident.) That is definitely not the best way to sober up... Jimmy, I know the drugs won't let me feel anything, but just to let you know, this is gonna hurt really bad when I completely sober up. So it would probably be best to get me to a doctor as fast as you can.

**-Jimmy Shag-**

(Picking up a curled, broken leg.) Yeah. (Picks her up and travels after the van thinking it will get him back to town.) Don't worry; we'll get there!

_Later, in the stolen stolen van, they pull to the side of the road._

**-Snapdragon-**

Snapdragon's gonna go take a piss babe, I'll be back.

**-Mysterious Black Girl-**

Okay, baby.

_They kiss and he exits the vehicle, __**Mysterious Black Girl**__ looks out the window for cars passing by. Meanwhile, Eugene and Alicia see this as an opportunity._

**-Eugene Cunningham-**

(Whispering, both of them still naked.) Is the big guy gone?

**-Alicia Felicia-**

(Looking for him out the window, whispering.) Yeah, but we only got a couple seconds.

**-Eugene Cunningham-**

(Picking up the Patron bottle.) Okay, you hold her mouth so she can't scream and pull her hair back, and I'll smash her with this.

**-Alicia Felicia-**

Okay.

_They move toward the passenger seat, and seize the opportunity, grabbing her orange, mophead hair off in the process. They then see that the __**Mysterious Black Girl**__ is actually __**Danny**__ dressed like a woman._

**-Eugene Cunningham and Alicia Felicia-**

(Whispering.) DANNY!

**-Danny Dandelion-**

(Whispering.) What the fuck are you guys doing here? If he finds out you're here, Snapdragon's going to kill you! (Starts to cry.) I finally find a guy with a big, huge thang, and ya'll have to ruin it.

**-Eugene Cunningham-**

Well, uh...

**-Alicia Felicia-**

Yeah...

**-Danny Dandelion-**

(Sudden realization.) Oh my God... You, and him? (To Alicia.) Girl, you can do better than that.

**-Alicia Felicia-**

Yeah, I could, but I like him, kind of...

**-Eugene Cunningham-**

Hey-

_At that point, the door opens, and __**Snapdragon **__comes back in, forcing __**Eugene and Alicia**__ to hide again and Danny to put on his mophead hairpiece._

**-Snapdragon-**

(Kisses Danny.) Hey girl, Snapdragon's back. (Drives the car back onto the road.) Whatchu say we get back on the road? (After a couple seconds of driving...) And while we're at it, why don't you go down like you were doing at the concert.

_**Danny**__ looks at him as if to say, "Didn't you just pee with that?"_

**-Snapdragon-**

Don't worry babe. Snapdragon shook it and dried it off before Snapdragon came in here...

_At this point, __**Eugene and Alicia**__ looks up to peek out; __**Danny **__gives them a look like, "Just lay low while I blow this guy, okay?" Then, he goes down. Meanwhile, at the tour bus..._

**-Huck Hammerstein-**

(Beating down the door with a bat.) It just won't open!

**-Stevie Buscemmeburger-**

Where'd you get a baseball bat? (Done with it.) Oh, forget this, I'm going back to the van. (Leaves.)

**-Huck Hammerstein-**

No, come back man, it's almost unlocked! (He's still walking away.) Fine, fuck you, Stevie! Fuck you with Sonya's big, white, hairy vagina! (Realizing something.) Wait... Sonya, yes! Of course! (Runs off, throws the bat away, hitting the now jobless Drummer in the head.)

_Sonya, in the field, finally seems to be enjoying the sex._

**-Sonya the Goth Chick-**

(As she speaks, a glowing force glows under the bodies of the orgy's populace. Sonya speaks with ecstasy and vigor.) Finally, it's happening! The moment I've been waiting for! I can finally go home after this! (Voice getting higher as the glowing force is getting brighter.) I'm gonna... I'm gonna... I'M GONNA...!

**-Huck Hammerstein-**

(Interrupting her orgasm, making the glowing light go away.) SONYA! I NEED YOU FOR A SECOND!

**-Sonya the Goth Chick-**

(Getting up from the orgy, walking over to him angry as hell. Everybody that was in the orgy starts to run, seeing what's going to happen. When he tries to explain what he needs her to do, she grabs his neck and lifts him off the ground.) I WAS ABOUT TO CUM, YOU FUCKING JACKASS! NOW, I'M ANGRY!

_She throws __**Huck**__ away, summoning __**Shim**__ and using him as a club, and slaughtering everybody that was in the orgy while __**Huck**__ watches in horror._

**-Huck Hammerstein-**

(Screaming in terror.) Okay, um, I'm going to leave.

_He trips over a severed head. __**Sonya**__ sees this and walks over to him, trapping him with a mystical, tractor-beam-like force, and discards __**Shim**__._

**-Sonya the Goth Chick-**

(Somewhat possessed... Okay, DEFINITLY possessed) OH NO YOU DON'T, HAMMERSTEIN! YOU'RE MAKING ALL THAT LOST SEX UP FOR ME!

_The tractor beam throws him into a port-o-john, and, after summoning some demon lingerie, locks her and __**Huck**__ in the toilet. __**Shim**__, beaten and bruised, lays on the ground, feeling his agony and Huck's. After some shaking, fire, brimstone, and the glowing light, the port-o-john opens, and __**Sonya**__, somewhat appeased, and Huck, thoroughly terrified, walks out._

**-Sonya the Goth Chick-**

(Putting her demon bra and panties back on.) So, uh, what did you need?

_End of Scene Four._

Scene Five: Setting- Stolen van/Cheap hotel parking lot, Tour bus exterior/interior; Time of day- Late; Characters involved- Huck Hammerstein, Stevie Buscemmeburger, Sue-Z Sombrero, Shim Bridgers, Eugene Cunningham, Alicia Felicia, Danny Dandelion, Jimmy Shag, Dandy Dandelion, Sonya the Goth Chick, Snapdragon, and The Guitarist.

_Flips back to the stolen stolen van, where __**Snapdragon**__ has stopped the van at a cheap hotel, still receiving "head" from the disguised __**Danny**__._

**-Snapdragon-**

Damn, girl, you get it all down, don't ya?

**-Danny Dandelion-**

(Sitting up for a second.) I've had a lot of practice.

**-Snapdragon-**

Bitch, Snapdragon ain't told you to stop!

_**Danny**__ starts to bend over, but __**Snapdragon**__ stops him._

**-Snapdragon-**

Wait, do it with your tits!

**-Danny Dandelion-**

Oh, um, okay, baby...

_**Danny**__, unsure and worried for his friends in the backseat, undoes his bra and reveals his "breasts," which turn out to be brown-colored tennis balls and tape. His friends in the backseat, peeking out, can't believe his (or __**Snapdragon's**__) stupidity. It all goes smoothly (that's what she said) until one of the "tits" in question, falls off. __**Snapdragon**__, his tit-job interrupted, immediately realizes __**Danny**__ is a guy, and freaks the fuck out._

**-Snapdragon-**

(Pulls out a gun and forces him away.) THE FUCK! YOU'RE A STEPHEN, NOT A STEPHANIE!

_In a moment of courage, __**Alicia**__ tries to hit __**Snapdragon**__ over the head with the Patron bottle, it doesn't shatter._

**-Snapdragon-**

OWWWWW! Snapdragon's fuckin' head! (Points the gun at Alicia and Eugene.)

**-Alicia Felicia-**

(Putting her hands up.) I'm sorry, Mr. Snapdragon, I thought it would shatter and knock you out.

_Meanwhile, at the tour bus door..._

**-Sonya the Goth Chick-**

(Still in her demon lingerie, looking over the door.) So, you're trying to save Sue-Z from fucking the guitarist, and they locked the door to this tour bus.

**-Huck Hammerstein-**

(Still perturbed from the previous ordeal.) Um, yeah...

**-Sonya the Goth Chick-**

And how long have they been in here?

**-Huck Hammerstein-**

Uh, about twenty minutes.

**-Sonya the Goth Chick-**

Huck, you do realize they probably already did it. Probably multiple times, right?

**-Huck Hammerstein-**

(Getting in her face.) I know that, that's why I need you to open the damn door!

**-Sonya the Goth Chick-**

(Blows a kiss at him.) Whatever you say. (Bends over and begins to work on the door.)

**-Huck Hammerstein-**

(Making sure no one's around. For a second he looks at her butt. In horror, he states...) I can't believe I fucked that. (He looks at it again, and then shakes the feeling off.)

**-Sonya the Goth Chick-**

(Stands up straight.) Okay, it's unlocked. If you need anything else, call. (Blows another kiss and leaves.)

_**Huck**__ looks at the door. He thinks about what to do._

**-Huck Hammerstein-**

Wait. What the fuck? Why am I doing this? She's obviously fucking the guy. Why am I still here? I know I love her. I know she's a complete whore and she'll always be that way. Why should I save her? How has she made my life better? (Pauses.) Really, really good sex, that's how.

**-Sonya the Goth Chick-**

(Returning back to see what he's doing, still in lingerie?) What the fuck are you doing? Get in there and get your bitch!

**-Huck Hammerstein-**

You got it!

_**Huck**__ kicks the door open. __**Sue-Z and The Guitarist**__ are on a couch, talking._

**-Sue-Z Sombrero-**

Huck, what are you doing here?

**-Huck Hammerstein-**

"What am I doing here?" What are YOU doing here?

**-Sue-Z Sombrero-**

This guy was trying to recruit me to his religion.

**-Huck Hammerstein-**

Yeah, that's what I- what?

**-Sue-Z Sombrero-**

(Getting up to talk to him face to face.) Yeah, he's trying to recruit me to his religion so I can be in his band.

**-The Guitarist-**

I'm part of a reclusive religion that has been kept secret for years, handed down from father to son in the ancient South American beaches in which it was taught from birth, sacred only to their people. I'm trying to universalize it and make it a social norm.

**-Sue-Z Sombrero-**

Yeah. (Smiling at the Guitarist.) Isn't that the American Dream?

**-Huck Hammerstein-**

(Holding her in close, so as to talk in private.) Uh, Sue-Z, I thought you wanted to do him?

**-Sue-Z Sombrero-**

(Out loud and angry.) What? I told you earlier I wouldn't fuck anybody but you. (Hurt.) How could you think I would cheat on you? (Angry.) I don't go Navy Seal on every piece of ass that goes your way!

**-Huck Hammerstein-**

(Under his breath.) Goddamnit, Sonya.

**-Sue-Z Sombrero-**

What?

**-Huck Hammerstein-**

Oh, nothing. But earlier, I heard him moan and then the bus shook.

**-The Guitarist-**

Oh, sorry. I was ejaculating on the money I got for doing this stupid concert. It's a ritual I do for good luck.

**-Huck Hammerstein-**

(Disgusted)...okay... (To Sue-Z.) But earlier, I thought you said you "dug the guitarist?"

**-Sue-Z Sombrero-**

He's a great fucking guitarist!

**-The Guitarist-**

It's a pleasure! Thank you, you are too...

**-Sue-Z Sombrero-**

(Smiling at him.) Aww thanks. (Back to angry Sue-Z.) You thought I was fucking him? (Getting in his face.) Well you know what? What if I did fuck him? What are you gonna do about it? What would you do if I just walked over there and blew him right now! ("Oh no she didn't" attitude.) Bet you would cry, like you always do in bed when I bend your tiny dick too far! (Huck's mouth is agate with horror. To the Guitarist.) Drop your pants; I'll fuck you right here!

**-The Guitarist-**

I'm afraid that's impossible.

**-Sue-Z Sombrero-**

Wait, what? No, it isn't! Take you're pants off, I have a point to make!

**-The Guitarist-**

Well, it's against my religion to have sex before lifetime commitment to another.

**-Sue-Z Sombrero-**

(I feel a rant coming on!) No premarital sex? What? No sex! Is that what you're saying? So you're saying that the only thing that makes my teenage mind, running with angst and thoughts that no self-respecting person should think of, the only thing that puts my mind at ease, that's illegal in the eyes of your religion. The only thing, besides pain, that makes me feel human, "oh, how wrong." You know, I was thinking about fucking you, but I thought the band whose music I've listened to for years was more important, so I was going to join your little dinky religion. Well, do ya know what? Now, I going home, and I'm having sex with (Goes back to Huck and grabs his junk.) this beautiful athlete, that I like, and maybe even love, I'm gonna fuck him over and over and over and over again, all goddamn weekend! And there's nothing you can do about it!

**-Huck Hammerstein-**

Really? I thought you were mad at me.

**-Sue-Z Sombrero-**

(Kisses him.) I don't give a shit any more. (To The Guitarist.) You disgust me!

_They leave, but just then __**Sonya**__ sneaks in after, still in her lingerie, and walks up to the confused __**Guitarist**__._

**-Sonya the Goth Chick-**

Hey, I'm Sonya, I want to invite you to join MY religion, there's just one requirement...

_She pushes him onto the couch._

**-Sonya the Goth Chick-**

(In her possessed voice.) We fuck everyday...

_She jumps onto him. Outside the tour bus, we hear screaming from inside as __**Sue-Z and Huck**__ walk down the grass toward the parking lot, holding hands._

**-Huck Hammerstein-**

Thank God for Sonya. At least that's over...

_In the Hotel parking lot, __**Danny, Eugene, and Alicia**__ are lined up on the ground, partially naked, on their knees, their hands behind their heads, while __**Snapdragon**__ paces around with the gun, deciding what to do._

**-Eugene Cunningham-**

Danny, what exactly was your plan? "I'm gonna try and hide my dick while I do it with this guy?"

**-Alicia Felicia-**

Yeah, who tapes tennis balls to their chest, paints them to match your skin, and pretends they're boobs?

**-Danny Dandelion-**

If I wasn't in danger of being shot, I'd beat the shit outta both of ya'll.

**-Alicia Felicia-**

Like you beat super-gangbanger over there?

**-Eugene Cunningham-**

(Low fives her.) Ooh, burn.

_Before he can come up with a rebuttal, __**Snapdragon**__ comes over, spitting his plan._

**-Snapdragon-**

Alright, e'rybody shut the fuck up. Snapdragon has decided your fate: White bitch, you live. Faggot, you live. Cracker dies.

**-Danny Dandelion-**

You ain't killing me?

**-Snapdragon-**

No, you gonna be part of the party (air-humps) with Snapdragon and White bitch. (He points the gun at this head.) But if you tell anybody, Snapdragon gonna fuck you up!

**-Danny Dandelion-**

(Under his breath.) Didn't I already do that?

**-Eugene Cunningham-**

Wait, why can't I be in the party?

**-Snapdragon-**

Snapdragon's sorry. Snapdragon knows the system is biased, but Snapdragon believes in it. (Points gun at Eugene's head.) Now bite the curb!

**-Eugene Cunningham-**

Wait, people actually do curb-stomping?

**-Snapdragon-**

Yeah, curb-stomping is real! Now bite the damn curb!

_As __**Eugene**__ bites the curb and __**Snapdragon**__ prepares to stomp, __**Alicia**__ tries to stop it._

**-Alicia Felicia-**

(At the last possible second.) Wait! (Snapdragon turns to her.) There's, um, alcohol in the back, could we trade that for our freedom, Mr. Snapdragon?

_Snapdragon doesn't speak as he abandons his prisoners, getting the Patron from the back, and comes back to his kidnapees._

**-Snapdragon-**

(Unscrewing the top.) While Snapdragon appreciate your offer, Snapdragon must sincerely say... (Drinks the entire bottle.) Nope! (He then realizes something is wrong. He screams, falls to his knees, shouting...) I'm melting, I'm melting, what a world, what a world!

_He melts._

**-Alicia Felicia-**

Wow, deus ex machina...

**-Eugene Cunningham-**

Thank god for Patron.

**-Danny Dandelion-**

(Walking over to his melted self.) And by the way, Snapdragon is worst street name ever, mothafucka. (Z-formation snap.)

_The three take the van and run from the scene. __**Danny**__ drives, while __**Alicia and Eugene**__ are in the back seat. When __**Eugene**__ tries to get a little frisky, __**Alicia**__ stops him._

**-Alicia Felicia-**

Remember what happened last time?

_They go back to the concert. All the friends left behind, Stevie, Shim, with a leash being pulled by Sonya, Sue-Z, in Huck's arms, are picked back up and on their way home._

**-Shim Bridgers-**

(Leaning over to kiss Danny in the driver's seat.) There. I don't want you assholes to call me a racist or a homophobe ever again.

**-Stevie Buscemmeburger-**

Wow, now you're a faggot, Shim.

**-Eugene Cunningham-**

Yeah...

**-Shim Bridgers-**

FUCK ALL OF YOU!

**-Danny Dandelion-**

So, where's my sister and Jimmy?

**-Sue-Z Sombrero-**

We don't know, the writer probably never figured out how to end that part of the story...

**-Danny Dandelion-**

(Long pause.) WHAT!

_**Danny and Jimmy**__ suddenly appear in the backseat._

**-Jimmy Shag-**

(Hypnotized, sort of.) Hey, guys, how was the concert? We were totally here the entire time...

**-Huck Hammerstein-**

(Looking at the reader.) What the fuck! Now the writer's just making shit up!

_Suddenly, the scene flips to Shim, sleeping on the table at the sidewalk bar._

**-Shim Bridgers-**

(Waking up startled.) What the fuck happened?

**-Stevie Buscemmeburger-**

You passed out after choking on the Patron.

**-Sue-Z Sombrero-**

(Waking up to them with Alicia.) I got tickets, bitches! I am fucking golden!

**-Shim Bridgers-**

(Screaming as he runs off.) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

**-Alicia Felicia-**

What's his problem?

The end...


End file.
